Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Coffee Shop Creepy

Looking to add some excitement to the routine of your day? Well give this one a try:

     First find a store that sells condoms - your local deli, a drug store or even a love boutique.  Find the condom section and pick out a box of Magnum condoms (If you are a man you're finally, actually, going to get to use the Magnums that you buy :)) and take them to the cashier.  Upon reaching the cash register place the condoms on the counter allowing the cashier to see them, pick them up and as they do you utter these words, "I bought those for us."  BOOM.  Now take in a deep breath and allow the feeling of utter creepiness fill the room.  The cashier will look up at you and at this point you will see utter confusion and fear on a face that you have never seen before.  Give that moment time to breath allowing both you and the clerk to share in this experience together.  Then, you say, "Just kidding. I'll take a pack of cigarettes and two lottery tickets please."  When you continue through your life you will always have that moment to bring a smile to your face.

    So that creepy moment is intentional and gives life a little salt and pepper. However this next story is a bit different.   I went in to a coffee shop the other day and upon entering the store I saw two young men getting their coffees from the back counter near the rear of the coffee joint.  One young man had a shaved head, beady eyes, a pointy nose along with high stiff shoulders while the other had a soft face, a bowl haircut, his sleeves were ripped off of his plaid lumber jacket revealing a small anchor tattoo (I doubt he ever sailed though) and he had green cargo pants on.  As I approached the counter they sat down at a table, passing me on their way.  I ordered my chai latte (yes I love chai lattes) and went to the back counter to wait for my drink to be prepared by the barista.  She quickly gave me my latte with a smile and walked toward the front of the counter where the soft faced young man had positioned himself.  I grabbed the cinnamon shaker, removed the lid from my latte and as I was just about to shake a light splatter of cinnamon on my frothy drink I heard the soft faced boy speak, "Can I get a napkin?" He inquired. "Sure," responded the barista. The words that follow are verbatim as they are etched in my mind forever, "So, you have to be eighteen to work here right?" Asked the soft faced boy. The cinnamon shaker in my hand shook leaving a large splatter of cinnamon on my drink.  However the shaker was not shaken by my mind going, "Hey we need some cinnamon, lets shake this thing."   Nope.  Instead the cinnamon shaker shook because when the boy uttered these words a shiver poured down my body starting at the crown of my head and working its way through my neck, arms and spine then filling my entire body with one vile quiver. Agggghhh, I thought. But the barista without pausing to think responded, "Some of us are and some of us aren't." "Ha, ha, ha!!  That a girl I thought.  Keep the creep guessing."

     I went out to my car and sat for a moment in disbelief at what I had been a part of and thought about the young man.  This is what I pictured him really saying, "Hey you have to be eighteen to work here right?  Because I have a bunch of pictures of you and I save each and every cup that you serve me and pin them to my wall and I jerk off in them thinking about you, but I just wanted to make sure you were eighteen because, well, if you weren't... that'd be pretty creepy."

There are a million pick up lines out there and a variety of ways to connect with women and I think after reading this story, for myself experiencing it, I would say that starting off with, "You have to be eighteen to work here right?"  Is not one of them.

Good luck out there Eddy it's a mad, mad world.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

We Need A Predator

Us ol' humans seem to have it too good; being on the top of the food chain has made us soft.  We have too much time on our hands these days, using our potential in evolving for other things; we pollute, sit on the couch watching tv while eating processed foods, we start wars with one another, we are self involved, we think material things are more important than human things, we are losing our ability to think or to take good care of ourselves.  We have also become complacent and live our lives in indifference.  So what can help us out of our rut?  What can give us the push we need?  What can inspire us to get back to our human ways?  I think it is bigger than us.  I hope that it can kill us.  It can be any shape or form we can imagine - mine being that it is half shark half robot = Sharkbot.   Yes, I believe we need a predator.  Something that preys on us.  Something that stalks us for food.  Something that has no mercy towards us and we are unable to completely destroy.  We've been at the top of the food chain for too long and it is fine time that this 'thing' puts us back in our place.

The 'thing' I am talking about can any thing.  It can be natural or not, but it has to kill us and we have to be concerned of its whereabouts at all times.  It can't just be something that comes out between the hours of 2am and 4am killing people who leave the bar.  It needs to hunt us all hours of the day.  When those of us who get up early to go to work, when we go to our car in the morning we need to know that that situation is no longer an easy peasy walk where we think about the coffee we are going to get at shitty Tim Hortons (see previous post).  Or we are thinking about what we are wearing, or what we are going to do that night, or what we did the night before, or how great our shower was.  We need to be aware, present and in the moment.  Because our predator can come out of anywhere at any time and kill us.  This would bring us unity as well.  I'd be much more apt to call my neighbour in the morning and ask them, "Hey Donna, how are you?  Have you seen the 'thing' this morning?  No, well me either, but if I do I will let you know.  Ok, yup, you too.  Bye Donna."  If you hate Donna just don't tell her about the 'thing' and no more Donna.  That shitty neighbour is gone.  We will care more deeply about our loved ones.  Our efforts in getting together will be more meaningful.  "You came to my birthday?!  Thanks so much everyone.  You could have been killed in coming here and you came anyway; that just shows how much you care."  We could finally stop fighting and killing each other and focus on what is killing us.  Just like at sporting events where people with many levels of differences unite to back their team to kick the shit out of whoever it is that opposes their home team.  That could be the human race.   Us banding together, putting our religious, political and cultural differences aside so we can fight against the 'thing'.  Even in the smallest of triumphs against the 'thing' we would find brotherhood and sisterhood with one another, understanding and compassion; a memory of an experience shared in unity.  So, maybe we should make it.  Or find it.  Or breed it.  To help ourselves become ourselves again.

This could be a great way to live.  We could send the elderly to fight the 'thing' first.  Arm all humans who are living in assisted living situations and give them the one mission that brings meaning and purpose to their lives again; to kill the 'things'.  And if they did die in their attempt to kill the 'things' they would die honourably.  That is something that is missing in our culture - the gift of an honourable death and I believe that people deserve that.  To die wasting away in a room is not a way of dying honourably it is a way of dying miserably.  This concept would keep our population growth in check as well.  It could tighten the gap between the three people born every second and the one person dying every second.  This would lessen our impact on the environment as their would be less of us weighing upon its supplies.  It would mean less of us in cars on the roads.  It would be less of us building suburban homes that aren't economically viable.  It would be less of us wasting our lives away doing nothing.  It would... be a great sci-fi movie.

The title of the movie?  The Food Chain.  You're welcome young producer.  Now go out there  and make this thing happen.  And if the government is reading this maybe we can 'find' this thing on Mars or accidentally make this 'thing' in a lab.  Seriously, let's help the human race get back on it's toes again.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Feature #4 - w/ Death

Hey Eddy!

So this weeks podcast is about death.  Yup, one of the two guarantees of this life we live, death and... taxes.  Just kidding.  I've been thinking/pondering about death a lot lately - what it means to me, my family, others, how we deal with death culturally, nationally and universally.  It is the one thing that we all know we will face one day and yet it is the one thing that we know next to nothing about.  To know is to experience and well, if you have experienced death then you are no longer in this reality to tell us of it.  AND fuck those people who have flat lined and come back, or have seen the light and turned around.  They didn't die, they almost died.  I've left my house lots and said I was going to the store and ended up at the mall.  We've all gone to sports games and sang the national anthem, but if we left right afterward that point we wouldn't be able to say what the game is like.  Those people just got a taste - like opening up a bag of M&M's, but never eating one; they cannot say what death is like because they never went through death the whole way.  If someone has chest pains they can't tell you what a heart attack is like.  You get the point right?

So this is a tribute to death, and life as well because without one we cannot have the other.  I'm writing cannot a lot, right?  And for me, I've finally come to a place in my life where I am afraid of neither actually, lately, I've felt like death may be a better thing than life - this life anyway.  The world kind of sucks, people suck, societies suck, "progress" sucks, starvation sucks, pain sucks, love sucks, etc. etc.

Here is the podcast and please feel free to comment on it with your point of view as I'd love to learn something new.

THE DEATH PODCAST

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Short and Local

I've been thinking a lot about a variety of things lately.  It's very easy to think out here at the woodpile as you are stacking or chopping wood most of the day, but I love it.  I get to write jokes in my head, think of what is happening around me and sing songs.  Those are the things that I do with my day, I like it, it keeps me busy.

I thought of this joke today:

I would make a horrible deer.  You know when you see a deer from 20 or 30 yards away and the deer clearly knows that you are there and they feel your every movement?  I'm no good at that type of intuitive behaviour.  If I was a deer you'd be able to come up behind me, grab my tail and yell, "Boo!" And I would pee my dear pants.  Literally, hunters would be able to save ammunition and just walk up to me and choke me out.  I wouldn't even be a deer in the headlights I'd just have my head down and a car would plough right over top of me.  As my deer spirit was leaving my deer body all I could think would be,"What happened?  I was just eating some gravel."

It needs some work, but I like the premise. :)  Famous words from all comedians.

Sorry this is so short and sweet, but I'm working on a podcast based around the idea of death and well, it's taking me some time.  Yet, at the same time, I would like to keep posting at least something every Wednesday - so here you have it.  My lame joke.

Be well Eddy!  And go see a performance from a local artist this week.  Or go try a new restaurant that is owned and operated by a local (not a corporation) this week.  Go to the market and buy local food, grown by local people.  Support you community and watch it grow into a beautiful place.

"If you are ever sick, don't go see Dr. Acula. " Mitch Hedberg

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Living In a Tipi Down by the Woodpile

It's official!  I now live in a tipi.  For those of you who know me and those who first see me this is of no great surprise.  "What else are you going to tell us about yourself, you long haired, skinny jeaned wearing hippie??  Are you going to fill us in on how you like to play guitar, smoke pot and think about the balance between conscious consumerism and the economic demands of our industrialized state?  Or how about your adventures at Burning Man?  YA HIPPIE!!!"  Well, the last one doesn't fit as it is too far to the left on the hippie spectrum for my tastes.  I enjoy freedom, but I also enjoy structure and responsibility - Who's German, has two fingers and is typing this blog?  This guy.

I love tipi life, however, as I write this I see a mouse wandering around looking for food.  Sorry little feller, but everything is in sealed jars and tupperware.  Yes, I'm typing in my tipi and I have sealed containers.  I also, have a fire pit, a guitar (see above paragraph) solar panels, and a water reserve.  So, I'm not totally roughing it, depending on your definition of 'roughing it'.  I like to refer to myself as the modern First Nations person (if in America and reading this Native or Indian).

I guess I am just finally practicing what I preach.  I cannot stand what we are doing as a culture here in Canada - how many suburbs are we going to build?  With complete homogeny between them; the exact same strip malls, the exact same houses (that are over sized and draining our non-renewable resources), the exact same cars, the exact same drive-way/garage/backyard design).  When you stop and think about Edmonton all it really is is a bunch of suburbs that connect with one another.  Then there are two streets where some cool shit is happening, but hardly anyone is supporting.  I was thinking today that I hate travelling the most when I meet new people and they say to me, "Oh, you're from Canada?  Thats cool, eh.  How about a beer and some hockey, eh?"  I fucking hate these stereotypes of our culture, but guess what I hate even more?  That they are spot on.  That is our culture and we do little to change it, add to it or evolve it into something new or different.  This is where I tell people that Canadians are very conservative.  Yes, we are a liberal country when it comes to peoples freedoms and liberties, but we are very conservative when it comes to curating our own unique culture.

Well, that's it for me.  Hope there are some ideas in here that you can chew on and think about and PLEASE comment or email me your opinions because all great change starts with guns.  Just kidding, it starts with judgement.  HA!  Really though, it starts with communication.

Have a great week EDDY!!!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Feature #3 - Kathleen McGee

Okay, yup.  What's up Eddy!?  Better yet, whats up with this blog Kelly?  Well, if you are speaking about the randomness of posts lately it is because I'VE BEEN STUPID BUSY.  I was in NY for a bit and I've been working seven days a week helping my dad, as well as trying to put together a 30 minute stand up set, on top of playing music, seeing my family and trying to sleep - oh sleep, oh god, how I miss you.  When we reunite it will be a night I won't soon forget.  You may be upset because all I'm going to do is SLEEP.

So in this disguise of excuses I must say that I recorded this feature with Kathleen on Wednesday, but was unable to edit everything together until today.  I AM SORRY, SUPER SOrrrrrrrrrrry.  So in the podcast when I say that Kathleen has 5 dates at the Comic Strip, well, that has already passed and if you missed her please look out for her in a town near you, follow her on Instagram, FB, Twitter and Youtube.  If you are in Calgary, however, GO SEE HER.

Anyway.  Last Sunday I was blown away by a performer at Empress Ale House and that performers name is Kathleen McGee, yup you guessed it.  Ever heard of her?  If you have, you know what I'm talking about!!!  On this particular night she was on fire; everything that came out of her mouth had people absolutely howling.  It was one of those nights when all the stars align and you get to see one of the best performances you've ever seen.  I've seen a lot of stand up over the years including Bill Burr, Aziz Ansari, Bill Cosby, John Mullaney amongst many others and I've got to say this show is now in my top 5 of stand up shows I've seen.  Kathleen McGee has an abundance of talent and it will only be a matter of time until she finds the gates to the mainstream where she will be in everyones heads, but for now she remains off the beaten path, for you to find and enjoy before everyone else does.  Like a mix tape just waiting to happen where every teenager and young adult are listening to her bits without telling anyone because they tow that distant line between the truths we know and the truths we allow ourselves to share with others.  I love this woman and so will you.  She is, in my mind, the next Rosanne - taking the dirtiest, most questionable things in humanity and making them absolutely fucking hilarious.

Enjoy Eddy, one of the best talents from your very own backyard.

PODCAST W/KATHLEEN MCGEE

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Tim Hortons - Proudly Serving Piss Water

I'll say it, and I'm gonna say it.  This may be the most controversial thing ever stated by a Canadian, but to hell with it.  "Tim Hortons sucks.  It is just a bullshit corporate chain that serves low quality goods."  There it is.  You are welcome.

I see how people don't want to make conscious choices as it is easier to follow the habits of yesterday.  My Dad does it all the time and Tim Hortons is his routine "go to spot" for coffee and the like.  In his mind he says, "This spots good.  What's wrong with this spot?  Nothing."  But there is always this:

"Tim Hortons has found itself in the midst of a controversy after a teen suffering from an asthma attack asked to use the phone to call for help, but was turned down.
It happened on Sunday when Brett Wolfe, 17, stopped at a Tim Hortons on Horton Street East and Wellington Street, in downtown London, Ont.
While inside, he started having breathing problems and asked to use the phone.
"They said, 'There's a payphone across the street.'  Well, I said 'I need to call 911, I'm short of breath, I'm having an asthma attack' and they just ignored me.- CBC News
This is not directly Tim Hortons' fault as much as it is their shitty employees, but why wouldn't their employees help this man?  Why the tight following of protocol?  Was there an incident before where someone was fired for not following direct protocol?  Are their employees that unhappy that they are unwilling to help their customers? 
Or how about this one:
"After being fired for giving away a Timbit to a baby and hastily reinstated when the doughy dilemma hit the media, single mom Nicole Lilliman says she'll collect her much-needed Tim Hortons paycheque until she can find work elsewhere." - CBC News
This is what happens with corporations - the employee naturally becomes/or is directed to become disconnected with humanity, essentially becoming a robot who follows rules made by a lawyer in HR.  Do you think this would happen at a local Mom and Pop business that is operated by people of the community?  I don't.
This is a tangent getting off the subject of just how low quality the products of Tim Hortons really are.  So lets get back to it.  The company was created in the 60's by a hockey player, Tim Horton, and his colleague Jim Charade.  What do these two men know about good coffee?  Do they care about coffee?  Do they live the essence of the bean?  I just don't think so - and I also don't think anyone who owns a Tim Hortons gives a shit either.  I've been in NY for about 13 years and I must say that through my original naivety, helpful hands and an open mind I have gained a fairly decent handle on good coffee.  I can now, as I couldn't before, taste the quality of the bean, enjoy the rich experience of espresso w/ a side of soda water and literally appreciate the people who curate the coffee culture.  Speed freaks most of them are, sure.  That's what coffee is - a natural amphetamine that we take during our day to boost us up.  But, it is more than just a boost it really is a very tasteful and delicious drink when done well.  

So yes, I am a coffee fan.  Not a fanatic because I don't live coffee like some people, but I do like a great cup of coffee.  Many people in Canada utter those words and then pull up to the Tim Hortons window to order a double double of piss.  That's right - piss.  Tim Hortons coffee tastes like piss and I think that when you go through the drive-thru, order your cup of joe and get to the window there should just be a person there who pisses in your mouth.  Want to order a double double?  Then when you get to the window there are two guys there - one to piss in your face and the other to jerk off on you.  Then when they are both finished they take handfuls of sugar and throw them in your face.  The sad thing is that I believe so many Canadians are brainwashed to Tim Hortons that they would still go there.  HA!! 
I'm cynical, I get it.  But sorry folks we've been lied to - this coffee is awful.  It's okay, don't be upset by it just do something about it.  We've been lied to before by corporations like McDonalds, "We don't market unhealthy food to kids."  Happy Meals anyone?  The Clean Coal campaign from the major coal companies of the world.  Really clean coal?  It's like companies who say they have 'entry level' workers in their company when they really have 'unpaid interns'.  It's all just pizza and fairy tales.  They'll say anything to help their margin and they don't give a shit about you, their employees or the state of the world.
The other things on the menu at Tim Hortons?  Wheat and sugar.  Sourced locally?  Or just from where ever the cheapest price is?  I'd bet on the later.  So wheat and sugar - probably a couple of the worst things a human being could consume for themselves.  It contributes to weight gain, IBS, diabetes, and on and on.  How are these things not regulated?  People say the market will regulate itself, but I gotta say that old habits die hard and if the government can put a label on cigarettes saying, "Smoking will kill you."  Why not do the same for places that only serve food that will do the same?
Sorry Tim, but in my mind Canada is better off without you.